Choosing When to Worry

 

  Twenty five years ago this Christmas and I was giving my Alderman Fitz-Warren for the reopening of the Arts Theatre Cambridge. During this time, I met a young man who was part of the Stage crew team. Twenty five years later, he is still part of my life. He’s older, wiser, more successful, and is the person who has given me the best twenty five years of my life.

We are planning a rather special celebration for the 23rd of December this year and we were planning to have it in a faraway location. Recent events over the last couple of days may have snatched that from us. 

As an actor, loss of possibility and missed opportunity should be something I am well prepared for. It's not included in any drama school training. A few sessions in resilience might be of much more use than the afternoons spent trying to be a zoo animal.

I'd prefer to be on a beach to celebrate such a special event, but if circumstances are to take that from us, then the way forward is gratitude for what I still have. I still have the person who has made the last twenty five years such a joyful journey. The person who has looked after me, guided me, and made me something I would never have been without him.

So, although my initial reaction was that losing our Christmas holiday would be the last straw and I would be heartbroken, I’m pushing the possibility out of my mind.

Many years ago, having gained my first big agent, I went up for a West End job that would've been my biggest credit to date. I had a recall on the stage of a West End theatre reading opposite two knights of the realm. And then left with a pot of tea in a dressing room at the theatre, they asked me to read the script, and let my agent know if I was interested. Boy, was I interested? 

The play began rehearsals in 10 days’ time and all the possibilities that the job would bring started rushing through my head. I could see my name in lights outside the theatre. I was already spending the regular wage it would bring. It filled my every waking thought and many of my dreams, too.

The longer it went on without the phone call from my agent, the harder I clung to the raft of hopes that would carry me across the ocean of success until 4 o'clock on the Friday, when rehearsals were due to start on the Monday morning. My agent rang.

I wonder how often we think what it’s like to be an agent who must call up clients and give them bad news. It doesn't mean that they are a poor agent. It just means that things out of their control are happening. When you're told you're not right for a job, it doesn't mean you're not good enough for it. But that takes a long time to learn.

I know now that when I don't get a job, it's not because I can't do it or that I'm not competent enough to play the role. It's because somebody's preconception of the character doesn't fit me. I understand that now as both a director and as an actor, but then it broke my heart. I was sure that there would be no more West End jobs. And yet there have been many more jobs, West End, television, film, and others I could not of dreamt of. Just as there will be many more holidays.

Of course, it will be very depressing if we lose this holiday. Even more so if it's because of a decision made by Boris and his bungling bastards. But if losing all the people who have fallen victim to Covid over the last two years is to mean anything, then we have to come out of this stronger. As a wonderful friend of mine and CEO says so often. "Don't waste time worrying about what you can't control".

So it's time for me to take that advice. Not to worry about what hasn't happened yet, but to enjoy what has.

And it might be worth checking B and B availability in Cleethorpes.