An Inevitable Fall


I always find Autumn a strangely comforting time of year. Very nostalgic. A combination of the darkening nights, the smoky air and the falling leaves, it seems only natural to look back over the summer and further.

Except that this Autumn keeps surprising us with late bursts of warmth and sun. Not time yet to put away the light trousers and the summer polo shirts. We spent the 1st of October with thousands of other people strolling along the front at Brighton in t shirt and shorts. We had a beautiful week of hot weather in Alicante last week, temperature in the eighties and we had lovely long days reading books on the beach.

I suppose Autumn is full of the familiar. Halloween, Bonfire Night and the build up to Christmas. I surpassed myself the other day by buying a few Christmas presents while I was out shopping. Early even for me. The design of our Christmas cards (so longed for by so many!)is also praying on my mind and will probably be done this weekend.

Work is quiet. Some interviews and what might be a busy November shaping up, but last week and next week have been work free. Meetings, e mails, etc but no actual work. The time of year for getting ones accounts into the accountant. The time of year for making lists for Christmas ( and for us, for our production of Green Forms in January). Making lists is something I love. It keeps me same. It appeals to the little bit of me that is totally OCD. I like order and control.

As I write this I'm on the train to Yorkshire to see Mum. She's going through one of her down phases again. In all probability it has been brought on by the fact that she doesn't eat enough. She's been told this several times.By friends, by the doctor and by me. She knows its the case and yet she continues to do it. She's stubborn beyond belief. I love her greatly, but even I have felt anger at my own inability to change the situation. I've phoned her on the train and she's still lying in bed. I felt a great reluctance to go and visit today, and yet I know I have to. It's happened before at this time of year. Perhaps it's the change of seasons that brings her down. I'm not looking forward to being there.

Next month she will be 90. We are planning a surprise party for her and I want only for her to be fit and well for it. That might be hard.

The strange thing is I am less worried by it all this time than I have been before. I have come to accept it. Three years ago a morning in bed for her was enough to make me leap in the car and drive north immediately. Now I have to accept her behaviour as part of life. She is deep into the autumn of her years and nothing will change her. Perhaps that is what I like about Autumn. That there is a sense of permanence that comes from the change of seasons. A sense of the inevitability that winter approaches and that there is nothing we can do about that. Just resign ourselves to the fact and enjoy its golden approach. Perhaps in all things, that is what I have to do

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